When In Doubt

It was a cold, dreary winter afternoon, my boys were napping and I was so ready to just sit down for some quiet time. I curled up on the couch under a blanket and started some research for my book. I googled things like...why do we try to find meaning in things other than God? Isn't God supposed to be all that we need? Our family had just watched the new Disney movie "Soul", which made me curious as to, do we really have souls? Which then led me to articles discussing if there is really a God. When I decided to get baptized with my husband and re-dedicate my life to Christ a few years ago, I had no doubt that I was making the right decision. I had never researched or had been prompted to research anything quite this complex before on the existence of God. As I expected, my findings were a bit conflicting to say the least.

The articles I stumbled across discussed atoms, particles, molecules and gases. I read about Quantum Theories and The Big Bang Theory. I was overwhelmed with all of this information and some things I obviously did not understand because, well...I'm not a scientist. I stumbled across scientists who stated their facts and reasons why they believe God does not exist. I found ones who aren't sure, and found only a few with evidence that He really does exist. None the less, science has tested and researched everything possible that could lead people to believe that there is no God. That we evolved on this planet in which miraculously has everything we need here to survive; the exact temperatures, oxygen, carbon monoxide levels, gravity, and more scientific lingo that I don't fully comprehend. Some believe we are just here existing for a short period of time and then we die. I don't know about you, but how depressing does that sound, scientist or not?

Here's my opinion, science in itself seems to compliment the argument that life couldn't have just miraculously appeared on this planet (with conditions so perfect in order for it to survive) and then for man-kind to have evolved from some sort of scientific theory of evolution. There is no coincidence as to why all of creation works so perfectly in conjunction with all life forms. Who created forces like gravity, so we can exist here? Who created molecules? How do atoms even exist? How did bacteria and rocks even exist for evolution to even begin? All the scientific research in the world still concludes that everything came from something, which is why (in my opinion) science compliments and circles back to the point that God created our universe and man-kind.

Even as a skeptic to the research trying to prove against God's existence, all this information left me feeling surprisingly doubtful and disheartened at the same time. In the midst of my perplexity, I asked myself, could my belief be contrary to what is really going on in our Universe? I imagined my life without God and what that would look like. For me, it did not look good friends. I most definitely would feel empty, lost, insignificant, and purposeless. Then I thought to myself...I'm sure there are people who don't believe in God, who are really good people, making a difference in the lives of others, doing great things, who don't feel empty inside? Right? What about those people? So, my quest for answers and research carried on.

I read an article called "10 facts about Atheists." In this article, research found, from an international survey that in many parts of the world, people do believe that believing in God is necessary to have good morals. In this same study, a chart also shows that Atheists find more meaning in money than any other American (religious or non-religious). As Christians, we know and are told from God's word that meaning in life doesn't revolve around money. "Then he said to them, ‘Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions’” (Luke 12:15). This lesson taught in the Bible, provides value and meaning to the lives of many Christians. Even if you don't believe, I'm sure you can think of a story or a movie that shows how money does not provide joy and meaning to one's life. My husband and I just watched a Lifetime Christmas movie called "Holiday Switch" which refers to this same thing.

Having scripture and a verse like this to cling on to is HUGE in times of doubt. The truth of this verse from Luke prevailed in my own doubt. This verse provided me with a firm foundation to stand on when my own feelings were all over the place. The truth that we all know to be true, money does not provide meaning to our lives, was argument enough for me to know that God's truth is THE truth. It was enough for me to look at the Atheists' article with compassion and a deeper understanding into their lives, but is not a life I want for myself or my children.

My husband walked in the door from work and I was cooking spaghetti on the stove. The boys had been up from their nap for a couple of hours at this point. I got them set up with their own activities, so that when my husband came in, we could actually talk without interruption. I could not wait to discuss with him everything I had researched. After he greets the boys and gets settled in, we start talking about his day at work and then my day at home. I started explaining to him the research I came across, which was initially for my book and somehow took a turn in a different direction. I am naturally an external processor, so as I am explaining all the scientific research about God's existence to him, while taking my own life experiences into account, things started to click for me.

As we are discussing things and I am processing, I asked my husband a rhetorical question. If you take the same person, with the same brokenness, the same struggles, the same life with no God, vs. that same person with God, do you really think there would be no difference? Of course, there would be is what we were thinking as we nodded our heads. A person in their brokenness, in their hopelessness, in their despair, in their lostness, in their hardships, in their depression, in their loneliness, in their anxiousness, what in the world do they do? How do they cope? Do they ever really get to the bottom of their feelings or do they just never dig deep enough to uncover what is really going on? Do they just band aid right over everything and try to move on? Do they sleep well at night? Are they living in peace? We will honestly never know, but all I know is... I would be lost without God. I was lost without God.

We will honestly never know, but all I know is... I would be lost without God. I was lost without God.

I am not indicating that I would not be able to physically function without God, or that I would not be able to carry on with my day to day life, job, activities, etc. without God. I am merely suggesting that I would be lost in a much deeper way. I would be lost internally. My mind would be working much differently.

After dinner, I got in the shower. I needed time to myself and time to relax. I used this time to pray to God about my specific questions and doubts. I used this time to ask him to protect my mind as I do research for my book and continue getting to know Him more. I also asked Him to reveal to me in some way if He is really real and if He is really here. I then apologized, and said I am sorry for questioning You...You have already shown me just how real you are. I felt remorseful because deep down, I know what God has done in my life. My emotions were all over the place. I was crying in gratitude and then questioning Him at the same time. Later that night, when I was lying in bed, I was reminded of all the things I would not have and the person I would not be without Him. Here are just a few.

Personally, I would be way more selfish. I would be more vain, somewhat shallow, putting way more effort into my outer appearance instead of my inner. I would care a lot more about the wrong things instead of the right. I would be even more greedy, trying to climb my way up the work ladder for reasons that really don't matter at then end of this life. I would be deeply hurting, unable to face or cope with the things of my past or of my present. I would be stuck in some unhealthy habits in means to protect myself from the emotional pain that I wouldn't know how to cope with. I would be covered in band aids (figuratively speaking). I don't know if I would have chosen a life with a family over a life of money and glamour. For me, I know there would not be as much personal growth. I would not be capable of the compassion and love I have for other people. I would be struggling with more anxiety than I do now. I may even go to say I could possibly be divorced, and have fallen into generational curses in other areas of my life. I definitely would not be the mother to my boys that I am today and that loneliness which exists in every one of us, would cut much much deeper.

I don't say all these things lightly. Those are very real struggles and realities that I have experienced. These are my true depictions of my life without Christ.

I am a living testimony of a person who was very very different without God, than the person I am today with God. Do I still struggle? Absolutely! I may even go to say, I struggle even more now than before, only in different ways. The complexity of trying to understand or explain what it feels like to have a relationship with God and be saved by Christ is difficult. For instance, I could sit here and tell you that when I listen to one of my favorite Christian songs, it sometimes brings me to tears or that I can feel His presence, but you may not believe me. A person has to experience it for him or herself, and their experiences may be different than mine, but I am here to tell you there is a substantial difference in living life with the belief that there is a God. I can truly say that I find my rest in the creator of our Universe. There lies my internal peace.

My faith is the reason why I can sleep at night (most nights) and the reason why I can look at myself with compassion. It is the reason why I am nowhere near as hard on myself as I used to be. It is the reason why I can love people the way I do and the reason why I can forgive those who I would have deemed unforgivable before. It is the reason why I have a relationship with people who I'm not sure I would otherwise. My faith is what reminds me of why I exist and who I can impact while I am here.

As I end this post with tears welling up in my eyes, because of the unbelievable changes that have occurred in my life and in myself over the past few years, the only explanation is that there is truly one true God. With this piece of my story along with the research I stumbled upon (which God knew would happen), I still am fully certain that our God is very real. With scripture that can't get anymore true to life, and the peace I feel internally, I pray that when in doubt, this is a reminder of just how real God is.

Let me close in prayer for anyone out there having doubts: Dear Father, Creator of our Universe,

I want to lift those up who are having doubts about who You are and Your existence. I pray that when their feelings are all over the place, they recognize where these feelings are coming from. I pray they stand firm in scripture, and ask You for help. I pray father, that in those very moments of prayer, that You reveal to them, in Your own way, just how real and vibrant You are in their lives. I pray that they be reminded or have eyes to see how a life with You can be so much better than they can even imagine. I pray they take a chance on You Father and never look back. In Jesus' name, Amen.