Restoring Our View (When Feeling Defeated)

Every moment is a learning moment. There is always something that can be learned especially when it comes to parenting and our relationship with God. How I view myself when I feel defeated as a mother (or just defeated in general) has been another one of those learning moments for me, so let me share with you my story, where God shows up to conquer the defeating thoughts that took over my mind.

Here I am sitting in the rocker with my sweet little Micah who is 3. I look down at His innocent face as he sleeps in my arms, while the tears weld up in my eyes and the voice in my head whispers, “God, why did I get so angry? We are not supposed to be easily angered and yet again I lost my temper. “ I continued on...”God please forgive me and reveal to me why I get that way. What triggers it?” “God I feel terrible, help me be a better mom.”

Can you relate to these little prayers going on in my head? See, about 30 minutes prior to my son falling asleep in the rocker, we were drawing together. All of a sudden, He got frustrated that he could not draw something he wanted to. At the time he did not express this with words, instead, he hit his tablet really hard with his magnetic pen over and over, I thought he was going to break it. He hit his toys in front of him and when I tried to calm him down, he then attempted to hit me several times. This was tantrum number five for the day and...I completely lost it. I had enough.

I did not respond the way I should have and I sent him to his room with the door shut. He then starts hitting the door and carries on with this his anger. I let him settle down and re-group himself. I go back in 10 minutes later when he was quiet and explained to him gently why we don’t hit. He finally told me with sadness in his voice, “Mommy I couldn’t draw the boat.”

“Oh, honey,” I said while feeling so guilty of how I just acted, "Come here and let me hold you. All you had to do was use your words with mommy. Tell me you didn’t know how to draw a boat and I would have helped you, but we can not hit things or people." I explained that it hurt my feelings when he hit his toys and me. We snuggled as I rubbed his back and there he laid asleep on my chest.

With all the emotions we go through in a day as a mom, we should be deemed champions of mental health. Not only do we feel our children’s BIG emotions, but we have ours as well. The anger, the guilt, the sadness, the comparing ourselves to another mom, the questioning ourselves, the worrying, and (if you’re like me) the “help me God” prayers because all I want, let me rephrase...All we want is to be better moms at the end of the day.

We all mess up on a daily basis, yet we are trying to do better. We have so much we are learning, rather that be about ourselves, about life, about marriage, about our children, about parenting, about work, about finances, etc. It can be, to say the least, overwhelming. This is why I could not live my days without conversating and praying to my creator. He is there with grace and gentle reminders.

After I lost my temper with Micah, I felt so defeated. I felt so much guilt. I felt like the worse mom ever and those negative thoughts were starting to take over my mind until I started whispering to God. That's when He showed up. I didn't even have to speak aloud, and He heard me. He interrupted those thoughts and shifted my thinking. It was a simple reminder, "I’m proud of you for wanting to be better, for wanting to dig in deeper and figure out the why behind your behaviors." His gentle reminder that we all fall short, and that’s why He’s here. He showed up, gently reminding me to love all the great qualities I have instead of tearing myself down. I felt undeserving of His grace, yet He still reminded me of His love for me.

He’s here to love us no matter where we are physically or mentally. He's here reminding us to VIEW ourselves as He views us. Worthy and important, even when we feel otherwise. His love truly does conquer ALL (even the negative thoughts in our head).

I've realized that my unrighteous anger tends to be triggered when I feel disrespected by my children. When I feel they don’t appreciate the life they have or me. It’s triggered when I feel less than or unworthy. It’s triggered when my needs aren’t being met and I feel like no one cares or notices the things I’m doing. I’m realizing, my anger, most of the time is coming out of my own selfishness. It is not coming from a good place or a place of righteousness, but it’s human nature and no one is perfect, so it becomes inevitable. I can, however, control how easily I get angered and the reasons for my anger. How do I get better?

Scripture. Is. How. The more I read about Jesus’ gentleness, and humility, it helps me. He was disrespected, He was not appreciated for what He was doing for other people, He felt unworthy at times, He felt saddened by corruption. He felt all the emotions that trigger my anger, yet He did not live in His anger. He may have felt anger, yet He still did not react as harsh or as much as I do on a daily basis. He even did good in the midst of His anger. I am just so thankful for the freedom I have in Christ. I don't have to be bound by my mistakes, my guilt, my hurt, my pain, or my anger. I am so thankful He hears me, sees me, and loves me for everything I am, not for who I'm not.

My prayer for us all: God “Help me be more like Jesus when feeling defeated, while still loving myself and viewing myself just as you see me. Amen.”