I’m so glad I forced myself to get uncomfortable over the past few years, but specifically over this past year. It allowed for me to take the journey that lead me to this present moment. This is the clarity to my wondering I've been longing for and answers to unanswered prayers that left me confused with my direction in life. Im writing this as a reminder of God's constant provision. Now, more than ever I am starting to see exactly why I had to go through a valley in order to move forward on the right path.
I am so thankful God is showing me the “whys” behind His plan to continue His work in me by means of setting distractions aside and calling me to be a stay at home mom when I did not necessarily want to. I am seeing the “why” of being in the valley for what felt like was so long and not understanding the purpose of unanswered prayers or stillness. He has been slowly revealing the importance behind EVERY single moment of my wondering, every counseling session, every Bible study, every meeting with mentors/pastors, every memory with my children (good and bad), every healing conversation with loved ones, along with addressing the pains of my past. ALL of it has lead me to finding the significance I’ve been searching for this whole time.
The continuous work of trying to obey God has lead me to great healing and comfort that would have not been possible otherwise. Let me start off with some transparency and honesty on what I felt like staying home (no judgement). There were some nights I would fall into self-pity because I did not look forward to yet another day at home with my kids. I felt like I needed another purpose in life besides being a mom, a caregiver, and a housekeeper. I desired acceptance, approval, attention, and relationships outside of the home. There were days where the last place I wanted to be was at home with my kids, leaving me feeling anxious and overwhelmed all day. There were moments of me crying out to God because I yearned for more and felt stuck in my current situation. There were chaotic days where I tried to stay distracted by anything that would keep myself from facing a reality that looked the least bit glamorous. I consumed myself with online shopping, running errands, and focused on my outer appearance to make myself feel better.
There were part time jobs I would try in hopes to find my calling, my purpose…something other than what I was feeling. I felt insignificant, unwanted, unglamorous, less than, and not good enough. No job, amount of money, material gain, and no amount of makeup could fulfill the hole in my heart like I thought it would. There again, I felt God calling me back to the discomforts of staying home. "What?! Is this really what I am hearing?" I would ask God. With groaning and resistance, I obeyed and chose to get uncomfortable once again to stay home. I chose to face my reality, go through the storm ahead, and let God begin His work in me where we left off...just as I was and where I was.
Side note: Have you heard of the saying, that we have a hole/void in our heart that no one or thing can fill because God put it there intentionally for Him to be the only one to fill it? He created us with a need in our souls to have a relationship with Him. Well, I can say I have tested this theory time and time again. I would have to attest that nothing or no one can fill the void that we have. Trust me, I have tried. I have tried with makeup/hair, I have tried with clothes, I have tried with with working out. I have tried with working and other relationships. Eventually loneliness always creeps back in. Freeing ourselves from our own expectations and our own will (letting go of dreams and desires), while trying to seek out God's will for our lives is the best first step towards filling that void.
It has been during my time at home where I've felt the most discomfort which has lead to the most healing that has ever occurred in my life thus far. During this time, I was able to complete Call to Obedience with my mentors through our church. During this time, I faced the pain from my upbringing, which God keeps revealing is some of the reasons why I've struggled with staying home. I didn't realize the level of neglect and substance abuse I was exposed to as a child. I didn't realize how the relationship between my parents and their decisions in the past still effected me as an adult. I didn't realize why I had a desperate need to feel wanted, loved, accepted, and significant so badly to where I let idols and co-dependancies take place in my life.
A Takeaway: To trust in God's provision and pray for discernment of God's spirit (what He has been freely given to us 1Cor. 2:12). in order to remain obedient to where He is calling us. There you will find freedom and finally find your significance.
I was in tears as God put this post on my heart to write. Tears of gratitude for seeing all He has done come together not only my good, but for the good of others. Tears of joy for the excitement on how He is going to use all of this for serving others in my calling. Tears of conviction for not always enjoying the moments in front of me, because I was fighting the present with fear of never figuring out my direction in life. Tears from God's love for me...trusting that God has been providing this whole time, even when I couldn't see it because of He loves me.
Friends...I feel so relieved of fear in this moment and I am embracing it! I am so much better off because I chose to get uncomfortable and surrender to a life God was calling me to when I didn’t necessarily want to or understand why. When I was in the valley, God met me there with ways to begin healing for things I didn’t even know were an issue to begin with. I felt what it was like to be lonely. I felt pain and suffering. I cried out “Why God?” I questioned God’s plan and asked, "Isn’t there more than this for my life?" I was angry that His plan did not consist of something more glamorous or something that made me feel more important (like an important job role outside the home).
I battled all of these emotions with God for years and yes, He blessed me in many ways with answered prayers along the way. Each step and each revealing moment happened exactly when it was supposed to. I see that now, but at times, all I could think about was the remaining nagging questions in my mind. "What is my purpose?" "What are you calling me to do outside of the home?" "Who and what was I created for besides being a mom?" I know...these desires and questions may seem so selfish to some. Even as I am writing this, I want to yell through the screen..."Being home with your children and being a mom is important and is a big part of your purpose Christina!" It was hard for me to see that through my pain from childhood traumas and through my need for acceptance, approval and love.
I didn't get answers from God on those nagging questions above until I finally let go of what I desired for my life and accepted with thanksgiving what He had (and still has) right in front of me. I also did not get some of these answers until I made the effort to serve Him, spend time with Him and in His word. He also pushed me to have uncomfortable, yet healing conversations with loved ones where He revealed more and more to me. Most of all, I needed to remain patient while letting God work out everything in His timing. This was and still is the hardest part for me!
From all of these experiences, God did not let any of it go to waste. He was at work (and still is), using my past and present all for my good so that I am equipped to serve others and live out my calling. He is showing me where my purpose lies as I continue to patiently take one step at a time. The fruit of my willingness to remain obedient has now brought answers to those previous "Why God?" moments. The healing that needed to take place when it did and how it did is a demonstration of what is freely given to us by our God when we seek guidance from His spirit.
"I've learned that in order to receive from the Spirit, my heart and mind must be open to what the Spirit is trying to do in me."
As I look back at pictures of my two boys over the years I’ve stayed home, I am not only reminded of the battle I faced, but most importantly, the VICTORY I won through Jesus Christ! I can’t thank God enough for calling me to get uncomfortable in order for me to experience the growth that had to take place. I am so thankful to God for His pursuit after me. He chose me! He created me exactly the way I am! I get the rewarding job of being a MOTHER, which is a much bigger deal than what was ever displayed to me or what I had ever realized! I get to guide these boys and help them grow into the men God created them to be. I am seriously so glad I chose to listen and take this time to be home with them. I now can continue moving forward not in perfection, but in obedience and grace. I can now say with more trust and confidence that God's plans are truly perfect. I can see "why" His plans are way better than what I could have ever imagined for myself (Ephesians 3:20).
After chasing the feeling of “significance” for many years… I truly believe you can not find significance any other way than by being obedient to where God is calling you, even if that means getting uncomfortable. Then, in an awakening God ordained moment, you will see your significance right before your eyes like you’ve never seen it before. It will hit you along with a flood of emotions so that you may see God's great love for you and what He is freely giving you.
This is a reminder that our significance doesn't come from others, money, material gain, our job, how many IG followers we have, or our even our calling. I believe our significance is the result of becoming more aware of who we are in Christ and leading the life God is calling us to. You will feel significant when your trust in God's plans collides with realizing why He chooses you everyday!
Friends, if you're sensing a need for change in your life or a desire for more, I encourage and challenge you to get uncomfortable. Allow God to begin His work in you right where you are and as you are. I love the Bible App plans. It helps guide you in God's word, so that you aren't just opening your bibles and wondering where to begin. There are so many bible plans to choose from, I'm sure you can find one relating to whatever you are going through. If getting uncomfortable means to get some counseling or talk to a pastor, then I encourage you to take that next step. If it means to have uncomfortable, but necessary healing conversations with others, then I encourage you to pray over when and how God would like you to do so. Be willing to set aside distractions, so you can tune into where His spirit is calling you. Be willing to set your desires/wants aside, so that God can re-align your desires according to His plans. You will be uncomfortable. You may even end up in a valley, but trust me when I say that it's all going to lead you to a better place than where you started. A place where that void and hole in your heart is filled. New beginnings await you! God will reveal exactly why you are significant to Him!
PRAY THIS WITH ME: "DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER, HERE'S MY LIFE...HAVE YOUR WAY! IN YOUR SON'S PRECIOUS NAME, AMEN!"
As always, I would love to hear more about your own journey. Feel free to share a time where you had to get uncomfortable or maybe you are uncomfortable right now, waiting for answers. Contact me anytime right here and I will get back with you. Thank you for reading and letting me share my journey with you.
Reading Suggestion: 1Corinthians 2 where Paul is addressing the church in Corinth. This is a reference to how God reveals Himself to us through His Spirit. As believers, we can better understand what He is freely giving us. Also John 6: 32-40 refers to the great assurance we have in our belief of who Christ is.
Song Suggestion: "Trust in You" by Lauren Daigle